Kazachok with Novichok

Delyan Peevski

Do you know what Delyan Peevski has for breakfast every morning? I will let you peek in the kitchen, so to speak – it is little kids. You do not believe that? Well, just wait and it will probably not be long before tidbit of that sort pops up in some negligible website or on someone’s even less significant Facebook page. If you have the patience for it, you will see the news multiplied across newspapers, including foreign; TV networks; radio stations and all types of media outlets for indiscriminate dissemination of information.

You will no doubt see two, now former, journalists – Sonya Koltuklieva and Lyuba Kulezich – comfortably settled in some TV studio, discussing the “chilling story” with their guests – political experts, sociologists, psychologists and all kinds of other omniscient experts, also has-beens who have long been forgotten even by their still living classmates.

Shocked yet? Oh, this is just the beginning because after breakfast Delyan Peevski practices his kazachok skills (Cossack dance). He studies the steps from YouTube videos and you have never seen such diligence, I tell you. To be honest, he is really bad at it. He is easily distracted. Some media outlets will have you believe that there are much more important items on his daily to-do list – cigarette contraband; arms trade; snow in February; the flue; electricity, heating and potable water prices; issues in the areas of education and culture; global warming; falling planes and bridges; car accidents; domestic violence; and everything else you can think of.

You seem suspicious again. Just open some of certain Bulgarian outlets’ old articles (the new ones will do just fine too because they are clones of each other) and you will understand. You absolutely will. After all, everyone, down to the last taxi driver, knows by now that Peevski is to blame for everything. Peevski himself does not drive a taxi and does not have a passenger transport company but let me tell you what I personally saw recently.

So, I am in a taxi and some arrogant boor cuts us off. The taxi driver promptly starts swearing his head off and continues to do so until the next traffic light, whereupon slams on the brakes and says, “Pevski is responsible for all of this.” I ask him, “Do you know who Peevski is? Do you know him?” In lieu of response I heard another profanity and then the question: “Isn’t he the guy they write about?”

Thank God we were already at my destination because had we had one or two more traffic lights worth of time, I would have told him how Delyan Peevski spends his evenings. He comes home from work, closes himself in the kitchen and starts cooking up Novichok (nerve agent). He gets it from some people connected to the agents who poisoned Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Salisbury, UK. It is a bit complicated but most spy stories are. And please, you have not heard this from me. Besides, the grand conspiracy was uncovered by someone named Atanas Chobanov, supposedly a journalist. Some taxi driver may have read his work but I have not. I have some vague memories of Koltuklieva and Kulezich but not of Chobanov. Sorry, Chobanov, nothing personal! I do not know how to say this in French, but I hope you will understand me.     

If you allow me to give you an advice, Chobanov: next time, before you speak without knowing, you better come and dance kazachok with me. I am really good, you will have fun. And I promise we will be in my kitchen, not that of Peevski. You know, I do not want you to get scared by some Novichok. What is more, I am full of interesting stories about Ivan Kostov, Ivo Prokopiev, Tsvetan Vassilev and many others of the so-called leading figures of the transition to democracy period. I can talk for days about these things; even have documents to show you. I have witnessed these events, unlike Delyan Peevski, who was just a teenager at the time. I have learnt some things about you too. What do you say – should I wait for you or just go ahead and publish them and later find time to discuss, as is your style?

By the way, do ask the former journalists Koltuklieva and Kulezich to join us. They will not get bored, I can promise that. As to not make this too much of a feminist gathering, please bring Tsvetan Vassilev and Ivo Prokopiev. Thus, we will have the numbers to dance in couples. We can mix it up – you with the banker and I with Kulezich, or vice versa. The important thing is not to be seen as sexists. As we know, we can blame everything else on Peevski.

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